A few years ago I wrote this review of The Lord of the Rings. I hoped to follow up with reviews about the following parts. I still have yet to find the strength to sit through The Two Bores or the allegedly more exciting Return of the Boring.
Lord of the Rings
Alright, that really isn't entirely fair to say this movie was boring. It was fairly entertaining and did an admirable job staying true to the book - which may actually be the problem because if anyone has read any Tolkien lately, they know that his writing is slow, steady and methodical, always giving dialog the greatest attention while being relatively brief with the action. So goes the movie.
At over three hours in length you get some good long action scenes, however, you also get some much longer dialog scenes including: Plenty of scenes with Elves condescending 'important sounding' statements. Hobbits that wont shut the hell up already and two humans that bla-bla about honour and stuff. Also Wizards that go on about some profound magical sounding things and a Dwarf that blurts unintelligable one-liners.
Because the actual sound quality in this movie was shaky to begin with, add to that the poorly timed Enya music overlapping the dialog, which, combined with several faked English accents attempted by both Yanks and Kiwis made it impossible to understand anything anyone was yammering on about!
I dont know the names of any of the characters or what the hell they were talking about so I will describe things as best I can in this plot summary:
This giant lizardman has lost his magic super-ring that can control everything in Middle-Earth. Somehow this boring little man - Ol' Uncle Bill-bore (Ian Holm) jibber-jabbers whimsically about nothing at all. He finally leaves and gives the ring to his nephew. Now the little Jew kid nephew has the ring. He teams up with his pal 'Chubby Rudy' (Sean Aston) and this old faggy wizard (Ian McQueen). They get some more friends, mostly named 'Bildizur' or 'Hiladid' or something sounding like that, and decide to take this magic super-ring back to the lizardman's cave and drop it into some lava to melt it.
Ok, so the little jew kid and friends are chased by guys on horses as well as these special pig-men called Orks. Orks walk really poorly and are also really soft which is convenient for killing them. One really bad Ork in particular has really small arms but I digress. Now then, for some reason the old faggy sorcerer (James Gandolfini) has a wizard fight with bearded Dracula (Christopher Lee). Not surprisingly Bearded Dracula whales on the gay wizard who was probably weakened by his pot smoking habit.
A shitty Dwarf is somehow involved and these non-keebler Elves that are really just humans who talk as if they are really cool and shit. People are just going on and on about 'The Power' or something and somehow this magic super-ring gets everyone all angry just being near it so the little jew kid and Chubby Rudy take off on their own. The movie ends here.
Oh did I mention that there is another six hours to go but you have to wait a few years to see the ending? Yep, Its true.
I think Lord of the Rings was a lot better than the latest StarWars crapfest if that helps and weirdly enough - Dracula is the best character in both movies! Fast forward through a few scenes and you got a pretty good show about Dwarfs and non-keebler Elves and baked Wizards and whatever the hell this movie is on about.
Stars: Sean Astin as Chubby Rudy the Hobbit
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